mush.

So…I was on the ferry by myself. Up on the deck, you know, leaning back against the railing. Hair blowing in the breeze. And- and well I was day dreaming you standing next to me, taking photographs. Making me look like an old hollywood starlet. Scarves and big sunglasses. Anyway the thing is, is that I started writing you a little letter right then and there. And it’s a bit of a love letter. And well, I’d like you to read it.

Ooh but the thing is, you see, you have to promise not to get freaked out. You know like, don’t take it too seriously. You promise? Ok because the thing is, is that I just really really like writing letters, I love writing letters. And the truth is that the things I wanna say to you, well, they might be a little mushier than the things I would to write to…a friend. You know? So…a little mush. I wrote you a little love letter. So what? Right? I mean…ok well you promised so…no getting all freaked out.

delicious life.

It feels both incredibly selfish, and incredibly important to write this, today. (see previous post) I hope you understand.

1. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
2. new books arriving in the mail.
3. a reassuring voice on the end of a long distance phone call.
4. quiet walks by the river.
5. finding the strength-opening up-taking a chance.

deep breaths.

Goodbye, Eva.

Today cut through me like burning knives. A young girl, gorgeous right down to the bone, and an incredible life-changing world-wide inspiration, lost an incredibly difficult yet courageous battle this morning. I never met her, and though some of my friends did know her, I feel this loss in the deepest of my being. Words don’t do justice to what she meant to me, through film and words on a screen – an online blog that changed the lives of so many. 286 comments to her parent’s heart breaking post when I first read it. Then 538. Now 769. Love for her overflows. It seeps out of people. Facebook profile photos changed in her memory. But what makes me smile through it all is LOVE LOVE LOVE. Written in comments, memories of beautiful Eva Markvoort. LOVE LOVE LOVE. That was her message, and her legacy, and something she was incomparably good at.

LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I really needed to see the beauty in life today. The world seemed dim as soon as I woke up. I burst into tears for no reason as soon as I stepped out of bed.
Her blog was the first page I checked, and there was the news. The clouds hovered all day. The sadness rolled in. It sat next to me all day.

After suffering through life with cystic fibrosis, all I can picture is her running free, sucking in big full healthy lungs of delicious air, and smiling and laughing it all out. And she never stops. May you forever stay that way in our minds and in our hearts, darling Eva.

Thank you for sharing your life, you struggles, and your incredible strength. Thank you for loving the world, loving your life, and loving all those in it, so so so much. I am one of thousands that you touched, and you’ll never know of us, but we will always remember you.

LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Well I know my death will not come
‘Til I breathe all the air out my lungs
‘Til my final tune is sung
That all is fleeting
Yeah, but all is good
And my love is my whole being
And I’ve shared what I could
But if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own

Well my heart is bigger than the earth
And though life is what gave it love first
Life is not all that it’s worth
‘Cause life is fleeting
Yeah, but I love you
And my love surrounds you like an ether
In everything that you do
But if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own

Well if you are (what you love)
And you do (what you love)
I will always be the sun and moon to you
And if you share (with your heart)
Yeah, you give (with your heart)
What you share with the world is what it keeps of you

long lost.

You are in a box, on a shelf

but still…
You haunt me from song.
You are entire places.

I am grown. I am changed. I am better

but still…
I miss the way you knew me, little bird.

delicious life.

1. lazy mornings tangled in the sheets.
2. trading music on usb sticks.
3. whiffs of boys-that-smell-good in the produce aisle.
4. the prospect of driving around town dropping off home baked treats to my best friends.
5. staying up late on a friday night waiting for the mango spice bread to finish baking.

muse.

dear inspiration,

have you fled with the sunshine?
have you hidden among the summers of my daydreams?
are you waiting to be scooped up on a drive cross country?
will I find you in the melodies of new music?
are you under the wing of a best friend, or in the smell of a new one?
have you tangled yourself in the sheets of my bed, or of my lover’s?
will your saps drip on me when I pluck a fresh flower from my mother’s garden?
are you waiting patiently in those grey clouds above
will you snow down on me in the springtime?
will I catch you on a breeze, on a bike ride?
can I brew you in this pot of tea and pour you out in my cup, my mouth?

come back to me.

I am running on empty, I miss you so.
love, me

wanderlust/homelust.

There’s a map of the world on the wall in your room green pins where ya wanna go
White pins where ya been there isn’t even ten, you’re already feeling old

Pretty faces stare back from a magazine stack that you read when you’re feeling bored
Look through a telescope lens it doesn’t make sense you think you’ve been there before

There’s a place by the lake that you go when it’s late it was summer and the crowds were gone
and you sit all alone with with your thoughts, gettin stoned just waitin for some peace to come

Like the thing thatcha tried that you thought that you liked for a minute then it all felt wrong
So your changing again all your clothes, all your friends, it’s the same as it ever was

That far off feeling that up close kind of ache, that instant karma that always comes too late

Monsters of Folk, Map of the World

delicious life.

1. best friend’s return from the southern continent.
2. burlesque shows and BFFs.
3. doing the twist.
4. friends with coffee first thing in the morning.
5. bus stop sunshine naps.

drenched.

boo to sleeping in and cloudy rainy days, for putting a damper on my day’s to do list.

perhaps a sun dance really is in order.

to do.

to do on sunday:

-go to yoga
-blow bubbles in the sunshine
-laugh really really hard
-do a sun dance
-pick a wild flower

sticky spring.

Some of my favourite words.

“Alyosha, my boy, so I want to live and go on living, even if it’s contrary to the rules of logic.

Even if I do not believe in the divine order of things, the sticky young leaves emerging from their buds in the spring are dear to my heart; so is the blue sky and so are some human beings, even though I often don’t know why I like them. … I’ll get drunk on my own emotion.

I love those sticky little leaves and the blue sky, that’s what! You don’t love those things with reason, with logic, you love them with your innards, with your belly.”

(from The Brothers Karamazov, Dostoevsky)

delicious life.

1. crabs and mallets in the kitchen with mom and dad
2. pho lunch date with a gorgeous new friend.
3. daffodils.
4. the avett brothers, and songs that play like driving off into the sunset.
5. contemplating staying.

sunny day dreams.

My friend sent me this link this morning. Food blogs are my dangerous new addiction.

I was so sure I wanted to spend my summer away. Afloat. Life in a bag, in a tent. Could I ever get sick of that life?

Lately though, all I want to do is fondle heirloom tomatoes, crack fresh crabs, and squeeze lemons into big iced pitchers. I want to wander farmer’s markets and spend my afternoons cooking up delicious feasts for my friends. I want a back yard with a picnic table made of old barn wood, and an open door of drop-ins for sweet tea and nectarine galettes.

Limbo, you are such a fickle friend. I can feel my roots, straggly, reaching out farther than ever before.
Head wants to go.
Heart wants to stay.
The shoulds want to go.
The mmmms want to stay.

And how delicious those days would be.

delicious life.

1. ice cream at every oppourtunity.
2. hopping-dancing-crazies.
3. the insurmountable urge to chase and catch seagulls.
4. long drives in the sunshine.
5. the reinforcement of love that comes with a friend knowing you too well and calling you out on all your flaws (or, all my phone calls with T).

the postman.

Today I mailed a card to a dear friend, many miles away. I brewed a cup of tea and sat on the back porch in the sunshine, pen in between my teeth, and thought about what I would write inside. Cram all my thoughts onto that blank half-page, or simply write “hi, I miss you, I love you”…something simple.

Every part of the process brought me happiness, and I’m sure she will smile when it arrives in the mail. I remember vividly the last piece of personal mail I received (save for the annual birthday card from my Nana) because it was such a unique thing to pull out of the mailbox. With everything being digital these days, I treasure the feeling of paper between the fingers. Crisp creamy pages. New pens.

The last time I loved a boy, he was often very far away. I wrote him letters all the time. Things about my day, musings, bits of love for him. I sent cards and photos, sometimes care packages with his favourite magazines and candies – things he couldn’t get where he was. It was one of my favourite things to do.

I forgot all about it when he wasn’t there anymore, but finding this card in the store the other day reminded me that I love mail! And that saying “hi, I miss you, I love you”, to a friend never needs an occasion. In fact the best moments in friendship are often the unexpected, the non-occasions.

So – Happy Wednesday to all my wonderful friends! I urge you to make a gesture towards someone you love today. Leave something on their doorstep, take a photograph of something they’d like and email it to them, bake them cookies, or…send them mail! (and because there’s always inspiration in sharing ideas, please drop me a line and let me know what you did!)

And, I would love to send you something in the mail, so please send your address. Enjoy the sunshine, darlings.

365 in 062.

Dear winter,

I’m sorry I was so harsh on you the other day. I am greatful for these warm sunshiney summer-teasing days in the city – I know I’ll miss them when I spend the summer away.

Love, me.

(click for full-sized panorama)

Dear sea to sky highway,

Please have more pull-outs and view points so I can take photographs of you. You’re so pretty.

Love, me.

these days.

These days they are bittersweet. The dust settles, the clouds roll in. Ex cetera.

I feel as though I missed winter. I cherish the memory of going out that night at midnight and making snow angels in the soundless white world. Snow feels like a dream. No, everything feels half dream-like right now. Waking up, slipping away. Grab it….grab it….gone.

When the winters get mean I think I can escape them. Past seasons I sat and thought about skipping the grays. Snow birding away. Hoping they wouldn’t follow, couldn’t show up wherever I landed. Now that I am without, I am dumped on. Mad at winter for bottling it all up on me. Longing for some grays in between life so black and white. I am laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, when I smile at wearing flip flops and eating ice cream at the beach in February. That can wait. I can be patient for summer. Don’t tease me, weather. Don’t lie to me, seasons. Give me something real.

Winter always brings these feelings back around to me. I’m no good this time of year. I was here, waiting for you, winter. But you didn’t come. Passing me by means there’s no time to feel it all out. No time for slowness, for slow onsets. It came all at once this weekend. It smothered me. I tried to cry it all away. It wants to stay.

Darling Burch reminds me not to blame the seasons. Maybe. We are still learning.