stagefright.

I have reached that seemingly inevitable place in my blog writing where I am scared to be totally honest, unsure of who is out there and what they will think. I am leaving out entire events, most precious of thoughts. I am keeping things to myself. I am being cryptic.

Or…

Writing stuff on the internet is like staring at people while wearing dark sunglasses.  You imagine the sunglasses render you kind of invisible.  Or maybe it’s everyone else who’s wearing sunglasses, in this devolving analogy.  Who knows.  Sunglasses are involved.

Yeh, what she said.

Please be so kind as to say hello, possibly even write a word of encouragement. I am feeling small and insecure.

fragmented.

stop.
think.
stop thinking.
just make love to me.
wait.
back up.

hold my hand.
lean in nervously(like you used to)
kiss me slowly.
grab my hair.
pull me close.
hold on.

intoxicate me.
don’t let go.
fuck me(like you never did)
bodies hard against the wall.
fold into me.
melt away.

breathe heavy.
fumble.
lose your grip.
lose your mind.
(make me cum)make me complete.
make me crazy.

trip and fall.
(will you)catch me.
how did I get here again.
have we forgotten?
no.
no.

no.

unspoken.

are we cool now? are we cool?
i’m sorry that i brought it up. it’s not nice to piss you off.
and i know, i know, i know.
but i was poking and sort of prodding, and kinda hoping,
and always watching, for a reaction. a reaction. a reaction.
are you watching, watching are you watching?
or just waiting to see.

loverush.

on top II.

oh to restless nights of loneliness and limbo.
of wanting it all, and nothing, at the same time.
it is our most treasured part of our being.
it is our curse.

When I was a little kid at my grandparent’s place, I was always sneaking off away from the adults. I would climb up on the roof over the carport and scramble my way to the very peak of the house. I could hear them but they couldn’t see me. I was never once scared I might fall. It was the safest place to be.
Now, at this house, the latest discovery of removable bug screens and gently sloped peaks – afternoons of sitting and watching the people go by.
This roof, it’s saving me a little, each day.

surge.

So so so much to tell. So much inspiration and validation and gratitude just surging through me. Stories to come. This for now.

“be anything you like; be madmen, drunks, and bastards of every shape and form, but at all costs avoid one thing: success. we don’t need more successful people. but we do need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers. people who live well in their places; with moral courage to make the world habitable & humane. and these qualities have little to do with success as our culture has defined it.”

on top.

Today is simply wonderful because I discovered that I can pop the screen off my window and throw my legs over the sill and sit out on the rooftop and watch the day go by. Oh, sweet sweet beautiful life!

2010 in 156.

First time sharing a hotel room with my parents since 1997.