retirement.

I have lost my joie de vivre, and contrary to earlier held beliefs, it was not found hiding at the bottom of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

In a determined effort to not have this blog spin uncontrollably in the direction of emo-babble, I hereby retire from writing at this outlet until such time as I have positive and noteworthy things to write about.

I’ll be sure to let you know when that happens.
Love to whoever is out there.

kicked out.

After 11 wonderful, back to back days of guiding in Johnstone Strait and the Broughton Archipelago, I am exhausted. Guiding largely means cooking and then washing the dishes for 12 people, 3 times a day. I think I’m pretty decent in the kitchen, and I’m a blossoming foodie, but I am exhausted right out of food at the moment. I tried to whip up a sauce for my pasta tonight using 2 out of a possible 3 ingredients labelled with my name on them in this communal fridge, in this hostel-like staff house. Let me tell you, the sauce sucked so bad I actually washed it off my pasta, and decided to stick with a dash of olive oil and sea salt instead. With a large glass of wine on the side.

I’m kicking myself out of the kitchen.

I cannot wait to be back in my little home in the city. Cue boyfriend who is good in the kitchen. I’ll be on the couch with my feet up, watching a movie. Ahh. Yes.

lustrush.

I am unapologetically deep in the kind of lust that makes it hard to sleep alone without cuddling your pillow, and even then…

home.

I may not have hit real estate heaven, but I am certainly in something akin to real estate lust after securing myself a cute little one bedroom in the city, for a screamin’ deal. Comes with exposed brick in the bedroom, access to the gorgeous back yard and herb garden, and about the sweetest landlords a girl could ask for.

Moving in and decorating to commence immediately.

Best friends invited over for dinner as soon as possible.

Yay!

goodness.

1. amazing friends.
2. amazing long distance friends.
3. love love love.
4. repairing through communication (and getting there…)
5. healthy happy family.
6. successful year of school.
7. incredible job (incredible employers)
8. renewed passion.
9. new passions.
10. able working body.

tease.

I feel like this year is fucking with me.

Giving me something good and ripping it out of my hands days later.
Over and over again.

I don’t want to be self-pitying – time to take inventory on all the good.
Stay tuned.

delicious life.

1. 24°C
2. big hat, big sunglasses, sun dress.
3. actually wanting to go for a run.
4. nice long sunshiney run in the valley.
5. Pimm’s on the porch with the parents.

delicious life.

1. exquisite torture.
2. bellini breakfast.
3. a day of summer in the city.
4. wanderings.
5. home alone underwear hangout.

second time.

maybe you could fix me up, i could do the same for you
and maybe sometime soon, we can spend some time alone to talk about the things we should talk about.
tell me ’bout the time when everything’s a mess,
tell me ’bout the time I haven’t heard it yet,
tell me ’bout the time, tell me ’bout the time,
tell me ’bout the time. all you need is time.

Sometimes a song comes along, sometimes a whole album, that feels like it was written for you. And all the things you never could say, well you hear someone else singin’ them to you.

2010 in 189.

Norther Resident Orcas (A34s) in Johnstone Strait, or “what I saw on my way home from work today”.

Please read this as well: http://jackiehildering.wordpress.com/2010/07/04/seeing-whales-seeing-red/

2010 in 185.

Gone guiding.

sofreakinexcited!

Dear friends,

Tomorrow is my first day of sea kayak guiding. I am so freakin’ excited!!!
Tonight feels like Christmas Eve x 10, I have no words for it.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Here I go…

Love, me.

#204.

you gave me everything I wanted.
even kisses in the kitchen.
you said “I’ll miss you”
and it made me hate that I have to leave.
but…
but…

am I a fighter or a fool?

and another thing: fuck you timing.

it’s a shame, it’s a crying shame
and ain’t it always the way.

stagefright.

I have reached that seemingly inevitable place in my blog writing where I am scared to be totally honest, unsure of who is out there and what they will think. I am leaving out entire events, most precious of thoughts. I am keeping things to myself. I am being cryptic.

Or…

Writing stuff on the internet is like staring at people while wearing dark sunglasses.  You imagine the sunglasses render you kind of invisible.  Or maybe it’s everyone else who’s wearing sunglasses, in this devolving analogy.  Who knows.  Sunglasses are involved.

Yeh, what she said.

Please be so kind as to say hello, possibly even write a word of encouragement. I am feeling small and insecure.

fragmented.

stop.
think.
stop thinking.
just make love to me.
wait.
back up.

hold my hand.
lean in nervously(like you used to)
kiss me slowly.
grab my hair.
pull me close.
hold on.

intoxicate me.
don’t let go.
fuck me(like you never did)
bodies hard against the wall.
fold into me.
melt away.

breathe heavy.
fumble.
lose your grip.
lose your mind.
(make me cum)make me complete.
make me crazy.

trip and fall.
(will you)catch me.
how did I get here again.
have we forgotten?
no.
no.

no.

unspoken.

are we cool now? are we cool?
i’m sorry that i brought it up. it’s not nice to piss you off.
and i know, i know, i know.
but i was poking and sort of prodding, and kinda hoping,
and always watching, for a reaction. a reaction. a reaction.
are you watching, watching are you watching?
or just waiting to see.

loverush.

on top II.

oh to restless nights of loneliness and limbo.
of wanting it all, and nothing, at the same time.
it is our most treasured part of our being.
it is our curse.

When I was a little kid at my grandparent’s place, I was always sneaking off away from the adults. I would climb up on the roof over the carport and scramble my way to the very peak of the house. I could hear them but they couldn’t see me. I was never once scared I might fall. It was the safest place to be.
Now, at this house, the latest discovery of removable bug screens and gently sloped peaks – afternoons of sitting and watching the people go by.
This roof, it’s saving me a little, each day.

surge.

So so so much to tell. So much inspiration and validation and gratitude just surging through me. Stories to come. This for now.

“be anything you like; be madmen, drunks, and bastards of every shape and form, but at all costs avoid one thing: success. we don’t need more successful people. but we do need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers. people who live well in their places; with moral courage to make the world habitable & humane. and these qualities have little to do with success as our culture has defined it.”

on top.

Today is simply wonderful because I discovered that I can pop the screen off my window and throw my legs over the sill and sit out on the rooftop and watch the day go by. Oh, sweet sweet beautiful life!