retirement.

I have lost my joie de vivre, and contrary to earlier held beliefs, it was not found hiding at the bottom of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

In a determined effort to not have this blog spin uncontrollably in the direction of emo-babble, I hereby retire from writing at this outlet until such time as I have positive and noteworthy things to write about.

I’ll be sure to let you know when that happens.
Love to whoever is out there.

kicked out.

After 11 wonderful, back to back days of guiding in Johnstone Strait and the Broughton Archipelago, I am exhausted. Guiding largely means cooking and then washing the dishes for 12 people, 3 times a day. I think I’m pretty decent in the kitchen, and I’m a blossoming foodie, but I am exhausted right out of food at the moment. I tried to whip up a sauce for my pasta tonight using 2 out of a possible 3 ingredients labelled with my name on them in this communal fridge, in this hostel-like staff house. Let me tell you, the sauce sucked so bad I actually washed it off my pasta, and decided to stick with a dash of olive oil and sea salt instead. With a large glass of wine on the side.

I’m kicking myself out of the kitchen.

I cannot wait to be back in my little home in the city. Cue boyfriend who is good in the kitchen. I’ll be on the couch with my feet up, watching a movie. Ahh. Yes.

lustrush.

I am unapologetically deep in the kind of lust that makes it hard to sleep alone without cuddling your pillow, and even then…

home.

I may not have hit real estate heaven, but I am certainly in something akin to real estate lust after securing myself a cute little one bedroom in the city, for a screamin’ deal. Comes with exposed brick in the bedroom, access to the gorgeous back yard and herb garden, and about the sweetest landlords a girl could ask for.

Moving in and decorating to commence immediately.

Best friends invited over for dinner as soon as possible.

Yay!

goodness.

1. amazing friends.
2. amazing long distance friends.
3. love love love.
4. repairing through communication (and getting there…)
5. healthy happy family.
6. successful year of school.
7. incredible job (incredible employers)
8. renewed passion.
9. new passions.
10. able working body.

tease.

I feel like this year is fucking with me.

Giving me something good and ripping it out of my hands days later.
Over and over again.

I don’t want to be self-pitying – time to take inventory on all the good.
Stay tuned.

second time.

maybe you could fix me up, i could do the same for you
and maybe sometime soon, we can spend some time alone to talk about the things we should talk about.
tell me ’bout the time when everything’s a mess,
tell me ’bout the time I haven’t heard it yet,
tell me ’bout the time, tell me ’bout the time,
tell me ’bout the time. all you need is time.

Sometimes a song comes along, sometimes a whole album, that feels like it was written for you. And all the things you never could say, well you hear someone else singin’ them to you.

sofreakinexcited!

Dear friends,

Tomorrow is my first day of sea kayak guiding. I am so freakin’ excited!!!
Tonight feels like Christmas Eve x 10, I have no words for it.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Here I go…

Love, me.

#204.

you gave me everything I wanted.
even kisses in the kitchen.
you said “I’ll miss you”
and it made me hate that I have to leave.
but…
but…

am I a fighter or a fool?

and another thing: fuck you timing.

it’s a shame, it’s a crying shame
and ain’t it always the way.

stagefright.

I have reached that seemingly inevitable place in my blog writing where I am scared to be totally honest, unsure of who is out there and what they will think. I am leaving out entire events, most precious of thoughts. I am keeping things to myself. I am being cryptic.

Or…

Writing stuff on the internet is like staring at people while wearing dark sunglasses.  You imagine the sunglasses render you kind of invisible.  Or maybe it’s everyone else who’s wearing sunglasses, in this devolving analogy.  Who knows.  Sunglasses are involved.

Yeh, what she said.

Please be so kind as to say hello, possibly even write a word of encouragement. I am feeling small and insecure.

fragmented.

stop.
think.
stop thinking.
just make love to me.
wait.
back up.

hold my hand.
lean in nervously(like you used to)
kiss me slowly.
grab my hair.
pull me close.
hold on.

intoxicate me.
don’t let go.
fuck me(like you never did)
bodies hard against the wall.
fold into me.
melt away.

breathe heavy.
fumble.
lose your grip.
lose your mind.
(make me cum)make me complete.
make me crazy.

trip and fall.
(will you)catch me.
how did I get here again.
have we forgotten?
no.
no.

no.

unspoken.

are we cool now? are we cool?
i’m sorry that i brought it up. it’s not nice to piss you off.
and i know, i know, i know.
but i was poking and sort of prodding, and kinda hoping,
and always watching, for a reaction. a reaction. a reaction.
are you watching, watching are you watching?
or just waiting to see.

loverush.

on top II.

oh to restless nights of loneliness and limbo.
of wanting it all, and nothing, at the same time.
it is our most treasured part of our being.
it is our curse.

When I was a little kid at my grandparent’s place, I was always sneaking off away from the adults. I would climb up on the roof over the carport and scramble my way to the very peak of the house. I could hear them but they couldn’t see me. I was never once scared I might fall. It was the safest place to be.
Now, at this house, the latest discovery of removable bug screens and gently sloped peaks – afternoons of sitting and watching the people go by.
This roof, it’s saving me a little, each day.

surge.

So so so much to tell. So much inspiration and validation and gratitude just surging through me. Stories to come. This for now.

“be anything you like; be madmen, drunks, and bastards of every shape and form, but at all costs avoid one thing: success. we don’t need more successful people. but we do need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers. people who live well in their places; with moral courage to make the world habitable & humane. and these qualities have little to do with success as our culture has defined it.”

on top.

Today is simply wonderful because I discovered that I can pop the screen off my window and throw my legs over the sill and sit out on the rooftop and watch the day go by. Oh, sweet sweet beautiful life!

the invitation.

She reminds me…

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love
for your dream for the adventure of being alive.

I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

love/…

Love has been waiting patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign.
That the one that she cares for who’s out of his mind
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor
He says, “……

(Your silence says everything.)
Your words cut like knives but I know they’re your shield.
I want to see through it, but I don’t recognize you.
This might be the end but I don’t want it to be the end.
Please don’t make it so easy.

reeling.

And she plays the morning up like its being shot on 16mm.
Wandering around the apartment doing her make up in only a bra and black tights.
Lays the outfit out on the bed and stands back to admire.
Looks in the mirror and nods, “this oughta break his heart.”

It’s pouring rain.
She shows up under a black umbrella, already anticipating his reaction.
He barely looks up. He notices the umbrella but pretends he doesn’t care.
She says “I just wanted to make you smile. I’m not always such a stubborn bitch you know.”
And he tosses his head back – that laugh she loves.

Soon enough the reel will slip, cause a spark, go up in flames.

cherished.

“It forced us to look fear in the eye and by boldly embracing the struggle, we chose love. And Eva only knew one kind of love, as she would always say, “my love is fierce”.  It taught us to endlessly dig for life’s tiny moments of joy and bring them to the surface to fill our hearts. Eva taught me there’s no finite amount of love, we don’t have to hold it in or save it for one person. There’s a well of love inside each and every one of us and if you want to fill it up, all you have to do is give more of it away.”

My eyes are welled up, my heart hurts. But it’s all good this time. It’s all gratitude. I am so incredibly grateful for a day filled to the brim (and a phone bill to prove it) with some of the most honest, cherished conversations I’ve ever had. Two best friends and two past loves, and nothing but love and honesty and openness.

I hope for more of the same tomorrow.

“She taught me that love never completely goes away, after you’ve given it to someone – it only changes and takes on a different form.”

I can sleep well tonight knowing that there are some things I can’t control, some pains I don’t want to face, but in the end if I do what is best for me, it will all be ok.

“It taught us that understanding life is not a solving of the mystery, but an acceptance of it, a living blissfully with it, through it, and by it. “